Pater
by gem girl
Summary: Lucilla dwells on her father and her arranged marriage to Lucius. Please review after you read. Please! I love you!


Disclaimer: I don't own any of this stuff, so don't sue me, capische?   
  
  
I am my father's daughter. He lives on through me. He never dared to utter the words, but by his actions, and the way he treated me, I knew he wished I had been born a man. As much as he loved me, and I loved him, he was the root of all my pain and suffering. But I am his daughter, and as his daughter, I will fulfill my duty and respect and honor him, and bear the blame, for part of the fault is mine.   
  
My union with Lucius was for Rome. To unite the two emperors by marriage and blood. I would bear him a son, and with that child the partnership of my father and Lucius would be secured. I was a woman, I had no choice, I had to consent.  
  
I am not claiming that I stored hatred for Lucius, though I did in the beginning, or that he was an unsatisfactory husband, or proclaiming my undying love for him. I did hold something against Lucius at first, but he was kind to me, and seeing that, I could not help but take a liking to him. There was always an awkwardness between us, though. This probably caused by the fact that he was my father's age. I did not love him at first, I slowly grew into it. My love for him did not sweep me off my feet, like my feelings for Maximus. Lucius never met him, despite his position in the Legions. My father made sure of that. He was gentle and caring, and fulfilled all his duties as a husband. Most importantly to me, he was faithful. Faithfulness is of great importance for me. I loved Lucius respectfully, and as one loves a friend. And yet, when he died, it was as if a great hole had been torn in my heart. Perhaps it was that Lucius was the only person I had allowed myself to hold close to my heart after Maximus. And he gave me my greatest joy. My son. When Lucius died, if it wasn't for my son, I think I would have taken my own life. My husband helped heal the wounds, but also, he made them deeper. He was a comfort, and a great companion, but when I was with him, I could not block Maximus from my thoughts. One night, in my sleep I called for him. Lucius asked me the next morning whose name I beckoned for. I remember a great flush of red rushing toward my cheeks, and turning away from him.  
"If you prefer not to tell me, that is fine." Lucius said.   
"No," I replied, "Maximus, he . . . Maximus was one of my tutors. He died of the plague."  
"I'm sorry." Lucius said.   
I couldn't look at Lucius for the remainder of that day. I said I wasn't feeling well. I lied on my bed and let the smooth silk sheets catch my river of tears.  
  
What pains me the most, is that on his deathbed, Lucius acted as if he knew I had loved another. I don't know if he was delirious, for he did contract a fever that became the death of him. His last words, they haunt me. I can see him now, his thin face, pale and lifeless, the skin hanging loosely on the bones, yet as ill as he was, his eyes shone with love for me. He was in pain, I knew that, and that he didn't have much longer. He turned to me, and his lips parted and he muttered the words that would follow me the rest of my life, "Thank you," he paused.   
"For what?" I questioned.  
"For acting so well."  
"Of what are you referring to, my love?"  
"You know. At first, I just thought you were shy, but after spending time with you, I could tell that you were wounded. And I learned that you had loved another man."  
"I do love you." I insisted.  
"But not as much . . . "  
"I love you, and I respect you. What other feelings can a woman have for her husband?" I pleaded.  
"My darling wife, I do not hold it against you. You cannot control the actions of a beating heart. You were a perfect wife, and there is no one, and there will never be one to compare to you."  
"I do not deserve you." I said, my head bowed down, and tears escaping my eyes.  
"My dear, it is not what a man deserves, it is what he wants and needs, and you, Lucilla, were that one savior for me."  
"I am so . . . so sorry."  
"Do not be apologetic. I understand. You cared for me, in a different way, but it is still love."  
"I will miss you, but I shall also rejoice at your entrance into the Elysian Fields."  
"Tell our son, I care greatly for him. And now you must leave, Lucilla, let me leave this world in reflection. And again, I love and thank you."  
"Never have I known a more beautiful, kind, understanding heart. I love you." And with that, I attempted to keep my composure as I walked toward the doorway. I turned around for one last look at the man who loved me.  
  
It haunts me because Lucius, a great and formidable man, did not deserve to have been stripped of a love he so greatly deserved because his wife was still clinging to her lover from a time long gone. He deserved so much, and I caused him so much pain. And he hid his pain, to protect me. He was a great man. And his words will never leave me.  
  
My father was always proud of me, and in a way, disappointed with my brother. While I listened to my father tell stories of his philosophies and the Senate talks, my brother would go and watch the games. That is probably the reason my father closed the games, for chariots and gladiators were stealing his own son from him. My father did apologize for him being the reason of my unhappiness. But, he and I knew my duty. My fate, my duty, for Rome, for my father, and for myself. I truly miss my father. I am sure he is in Elysium laughing and drinking fine wines with Lucius. Maybe even in a thought-provoking conversation with Maximus, the man he wanted so much as a son. The world has lost some of most respectable people in the world, in all of history. And the Gods have blessed me so much, as to have loved them all, and cursed me, as to have them all taken away from me.   
  
My father's dream for Rome will live on. Though Maximus died, he carried out his assignment. And now, I shall continue it. I will give the Senate the power, and Rome shall be a Republic. Rome will be a people. I will take my son, and we will live peacefully in Spain. He, without a father, and I without a husband. We must have to do for each other.   
  
I hope I make my son proud, I hope my husband and Maximus are looking at me smiling. But most of all, I hope, I pray to the Gods, that my father is proud of me. I hope, that despite my many faults, I am the daughter he hoped to father.   
  
Pater, I hope I am doing what is right. I have done my duty. Perhaps now I can retire. Pater, I hope you are proud. You are the person that I respected the most, and the person I hoped the Gods modeled me after. Oh, how the world, how Rome, needs you. How I need you. My dear pater. Pater. 


End file.
